If the variety of porn is any indication, most guys are capable of acting out the craziest atrocities fantasies in the bedroom. But the appeal of some bizarre porn niches baffles me.
Drinking cum out of a glass
Grossout rating: 8
Worse than that scene in Rocky where he gulps raw eggs. Jizz should not be drunk like a cocktail, no matter how strawberry-kissed the lips slurping it down.
Sexual perversion rating: 9
Where is the turn-on here? There’s no hot humiliation aspect a la facials, and the girl is making gurgling noises and grimacing while choking back the slime. Usually the camera is zoomed in on her mouth, which means her naked body in the background isn’t visually available to distract from the repulsiveness of her cumchugging. You’d have to be a world class pervert to get aroused watching this spectacle.
Two guys one girl
Grossout rating: 2-10 (highly variable on male to male physical contact)
There’s a reason why male porn actors get little face time and are reduced to mere functional genitalia to occupy the woman’s orifices — guys don’t want to see hairy, sweaty naked dudes obstructing the view of the girl any more than is necessary to get the coital point across. Two of them is just double the obstruction. And if one of them happens to misfire and accidentally shoot his load into the face of the other guy, well… let’s just say I would need many MANY fucking years of therapy after watching that.
Sexual perversion rating: 4
Judging by its internet popularity, the fantasy of two men shish kabobing a woman isn’t uncommon. But if scrotums start commingling, cocks start touching, or male body parts start incidentally rubbing against each other, the perversion rating zooms up to 10 if you’re a straight guy. It drops to 1 if you’re gay.
Cum swapping
Grossout rating: 5-8 (depends on volume of transfer)
This is right up there with the cum cocktails. I dunno, a girl spitting skeet into the mouth of another girl doesn’t seem like a visual treat to me. Maybe I’m sexually repressed?
Sexual perversion rating: 6
Beyond missionary, not quite a sheisse vid, cum swapping exemplifies de rigueur perversion.
Bukkake
Grossout rating: 7
Plus: facial. Minus: cascading sheets of semen.
Sexual perversion rating: 7
I suppose an argument could be made that where one is good, one hundred is better.
Frat house voyeurism
Grossout rating: 4
More annoying than gross.
Sexual perversion rating: 5
Lord knows I understand the thrill of fucking in public, so porn dedicated to that popular perversion makes sense. But fucking in front of a roomful of drunk fratboys whooping like retards and giving play by plays? This turns me off faster than watching The View. I suspect the LNS crowd digs this stuff.
Machine/medical instruments sex
Grossout rating: 5
The inside of a vagina should not see the light of day.
Sexual perversion rating: 5
Eh, uninspiring. Makes me empathize with an ob/gyn visit. Props to the Sybian, though. Ten bucks those girls are really getting off!
Do my wife
Grossout rating: 1
Not gross, just disturbing.
Sexual perversion rating: 7
When I’m watching a good fuck, I don’t want to see some guy playing the husband character sitting in a nearby chair and pretending to be emotionally distraught as his “wife” gets pounded by one of the bang bros. Seriously, what kind of dweeb goes in for the cuckold fantasy? Obviously someone who has DEEP fucking insecurities and wrestles control over them through whacking off to adultery porn. If I’m gonna identify with anyone it’ll be the pool boy, not the sap, natch. Now stop crying, bitch, and hand me your wife’s speculum.
Asslicking
Grossout rating: 10
Falls under the category of “Can never get clean enough”.
Sexual perversion rating: 8 (her ass), 10 (his ass)
Hey, you’ll find no bigger aficionado of anal than me, but there’s a world of difference between plowing her with my tool and getting her dingleberries caught in my teeth. Girls don’t shit wafer thin mints, so how is licking her anus supposed to be fun? I pray I never shake hands with a guy who gets off on asslicking porn. And porn where the girl licks the guy’s carpeted asshole? Sweet fancy moses, why don’t you just reach in the bowl and eat his log, scatgirl?
Squirting
Grossout rating: 3
No, I don’t mean natural squirting, which is a beautiful act of humanity. I mean the supersoaker squirting where they fill the girl’s pussy up with a gallon of skim milk and let ‘er rip. Exaggerating the normal bodily functions is pretty much the byline of porn, but twisting it into a ridiculous caricature of the real thing is a complete turnoff.
Sexual perversion rating: 3
Enjoying the sight of a girl squirting is perfectly normal. Enjoying the sight of a girl vomiting out of her vagina is slightly perverted. For guys who like this, I suspect childbirth regression issues.
What’s going on here I think is that straight sex is no longer enough for a segment of the male population. The bar of deviancy is constantly being raised to the point that foreplay includes golden showers. I predict women will continue to dress and act sluttier so as to satisfy the ever-growing demands of porn-raised generations of men.
Coincidentally, paternity testing will also rise.
Ha! I’m here first! Good post again. Here’s my theory. Guys get turned on when they’re in charge and women are damsels-in-distress. This why a woman with a flat tire gets 100 guys offering assistance.
Unfortunately, besides the tire, in modern life (esp. urban life) men rarely get the opportunity to act out in any chivalroos way. In fact, offers to help any woman are often rebuffed and the woman throws you into the Beta category and hates you forever because you “demeaned” her by inferring she was inferior and needed help. etc.
Yet men still like seeing women in distressed because I think it plays on some kind of primal urge. They can gratify this urge by watching women being degraded in porn. Look at the media — all women are “strong” “all knowing” “in control.” Guys don’t find this sexy. So they turn to women being gagged by enforeced face-fucking.
Conclusion: The masculization of women by feminists and media is responsible for this. Also, Roissy, if you know this much about it, you must like it to some degree! Own up!
The spunk in porno movies is actually Ivory diswashing liquid, delivered via a flesh-colored tube on the away-from-camera side of the man’s tallywhacker. A variation, used when the girl swallows, is produced by adding corn starch to the water left over from cooking pasta.
the porn i dont get is amatur…i like my porn to look gooood…
guess im just a silly art-core girl..
xoxo
Great post.
DaysofBrokenArrows–I think the damsel in distress thing is sexy too but we as women are also taught that strange men are dangerous.
We are told over and over for our own safety to rebuff the guy who wants to help you carry your groceries or help you change a tire because so much of the time these are scary men who are doing so because they want to attack/kill you. The minute you give them an “in”, you are just asking to be butchered in your car.
Not saying that is how these men ARE, just explaining a bit about why some women don’t want help.
Its not about being stronger than men, its about fearing strange men.
Then again, these same psychos are the ones that get MAD if the women says she doesn’t need help…you have to try to imagine how it is for women sometimes.
Not feminazis or whatever you guys call the but regular girls who don’t want to be attacked or hurt. We listen to the news, we read the papers…we live in reality.
And in reality, women are brutalized every day.
Its a time of paranoia, thats just how it is.
Sorry I did not mean to completely change the subject of the post, just give an explanation for some women.
But in terms of chivalry and DATING, yes–the “I am stronger than you” woman is going to be less appealing than her feminine counterpart. Agreed.
PS–Frat house porn is gross and machinery porn is TERRIFYING.
But other things such as vibrators (or something not painful looking) are very hot. Just as long as its not one of those bright purple double sided ones…AH!
Hi Kassy,
I get what you are saying and it is correct in theory, but I urge you to look at actual FBI stats. Women are noit nearly as brutalized as the numbers the propagandists would have you believe. In fact, more violence is inflicted upon men than women — far more (of course it’s men doing the violence to other men, but I digress). In fact, the “one in four” stat about rape is not based on any science, just an informal NOW survey. The original survey looked at abuse and counted “arguments” as abuse. Sloppy writers took “abuse” to mean “rape” and thus the “one in four” stat was invented. There was also an invented story about women being abuysed Super Bowl Sunday that was disproved — by the feminist-friendly Washington Post!!
The reason for the above is that women’s organizations get gov’t money and upping the stats gets them more grants. There is also some man-bashing here, of course. I wish I had saved my info, but recently a women’s group put out the false statistic, that “80 percent of Korean women in America are abused by their husbands.” This ran in my local newspaper. I cross checked it with actual census stats and found that the number couldnn’t be true: The census counts Asians — they don’t extraoplate Koreans! And think about that stat for a sec: 80 percent?!!! What could be going on in Korean-American households?!! And how is it their kids do better on average? Does than mean an abusive house equals top students?
Anyway, all of this stuff harms ethnic groups, instills needless fear in women and makes men into “potential predators,” which most of them are NOT.
Sorry for going way off topic, Roissy.
Days–False reporting is always terrifying and as naive as this sounds, I look forward to the day when men and women can both live without fear of abuse( emotional or physical) or rape or violence on a daily basis.
But to bring it back to the gross porn, another thing that is icky:
Pimply genitalia in more low budget porn (and sometimes in bigger budget porn). Isn’t there somewhere that sells body paint to cover that up, just for the movie?
I don’t wanna SEE that.
Am I the only one that thinks this post was pure comedic genius? I can’t remember reading anything this funny in the longest time.
“but there’s a world of difference between plowing her with my tool and getting her dingleberries caught in my teeth”
Are you serious, did you really just write that! Fuck some comedian wait an entire lifetime to come up with that. Well played again
“Girls don’t shit wafer thin mints, so how is licking her anus supposed to be fun? I pray I never shake hands with a guy who gets off on asslicking porn. And porn where the girl licks the guy’s carpeted asshole? Sweet fancy moses, why don’t you just reach in the bowl and eat his log, scatgirl?”
So what is my sexual perversion rating if I get off on this kind of humor?
Kassy,
Here’s a link to a story that’s related in theme: ADHD diagnoses in kids are apparently at record highs. Yet other countries don’t see m to have this problem. Why do we? Because schools get government money for every kid they diagnose. It’s the same with victim’s rights groups. No one would arge you need schools and these groups, but both go overboard.
Thanks for spoiling my lunch with a mention of pimples on private parts. Now there’s a visual image!
Link:
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/health/bal-adhd0904,0,5293263.story
dba – good insight. i can see how dominating humiliation porn is male fantasy in a world where chivalry is irrelevant. it all comes back full circle to female financial independence, i say.
couple thoughts.
there’s a lot of crap in porn. funny looking shlongs, fat chicks, etc. pimpled asses should not be one of them.
amateur porn is kinda hot if the participants meet some basic minimum attractiveness threshold. i dunno, maybe it’s hot because it feels like you’re peeping in your neighbor’s bedroom window.
nikita – very very high. pee wee herman is your apprentice.
Boy, what a post to return to.
I always thought the dom/humiliation stuff was for sissy Betas who would never dare speak up to a woman, let alone punch her tits. Not into it myself and frankly I find the amount of beating/strangling erotica out there pretty fucking creepy.
Similarly, the fratty stuff is primarily fantasy for those never cool enough to go to frat parties. Real frat boys don’t fuck chicks on their TV room sofa because they know they’ll have to sit in the stain for the next 5 years. This kind of nonsense is where people get the idea that Duke lacrosse players are heterosexual.
You barely touched on (no pun intended) the pee pee poo poo stuff. Ugh. And really there’s far, far, far worse out there. Sweet fancy Moses indeed.
Even with all the nastiness what throws me most about porno is the dialogue. I guess they have to earn their Screen Actors Guild cards somehow, but c’mon. It totally throws the moment. If some girl ever screamed something like “Cram it in my ass like the whore I am!” while I’m taking her from behind I’m pretty sure I’d stop whatever I was doing, pull out, pull my pants back up and walk straight out of the parking garage right then and there.
I would also like to point out that apparently KassyK is the kind of girl who posts about vibrators during work hours.
jewcano, i hope for the sake of humanity the pee and poo stuff is a smaller niche than the cum cocktail audience.
and this post was designed to smoke out kassyk.
No mention of multiple cream pies?
I saw this 5 guy cream pie video….. that my friend had. They interviewed the last guy about how he feels to enter the vagina of a woman after 4 guys already deposited their juice in her.
“I try not to think about it.”
Sperm competition. More guys leaving their jizz in a girl -> pressure for you to deposit more swimmers -> bigger loads -> better orgasm.
Simple explanation for multiple cream pie videos, 2 guys & 1 girl videos, etc.
Actually scientifically tested too. When men masturbate to videos of multiple guys and a single woman they release more sperm. The body hasn’t caught up with the tech of the video camera yet.
going to do a woman from behind only to see some other guy’s spunk queefing and dribbling out of her is one of my recurring nightmares.
This’ll make that nightmare worse: the shape of your penis is designed specifically to pull out other guys’ spunk as efficiently as possible.
Ever notice that you pump harder and faster when you’re going at a chick that you either haven’t seen in a while or are doing for the first time and that you think is a bit loose? Think about why.
[...] Kyle Smith wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptThere’sa reason why male porn actors get little face time and are reduced to mere functional genitalia to occupy the woman’s orifices — guys don’t want to see hairy, sweaty naked dudes obstructing the view of the girl any more than is … [...]
Agreed 100%
Even made a few of the same points I made in this post. I don’t know why more girls don’t own up to watching.. I always like the ones that are the most adamant about not partaking in porn viewage – those are the ones I tend to think are addicted.
I’m not sure but I think girls have a problem with acknowledging there sexuality to guys. They do between themselves but lack expression to men in public. They
seem sexy yet cold. they cum all day long quietly between themselves while on the bus or at the office without expression and we never know it. They never let us in on it. This bleeds over into what they tell us. They talk alot ‘a shit and say they hate us but thats because most guys dont get them off as much as they want us to. They keep to themselves cuz I think they resent having to deal with the usual one shot hour role over rover they see all day long everywhere.
Its the guys like me that can fuck and cum for 8-9 intense concentrated hours of real action multiple times each day at a time that gets the short end of the stick. Sexy ladies everywhere all over dc and none of them are open to who would and who wouldnt satisfy them. The bunch of rotten apples spoils it for the bunch. Its become so rotten that they cant discriminate between anyone. To them everyone is a potential looser. This is why I think they talk alot of shit.
Most guys dont know an ass from a pussy and make the girls think thats the way sex is supposed to be with guys. Sex has nothing to do with an ass. Thus girls have nothing to do with most guys.
Ladies, am I right? tell me i’m right. You’ll flip when you find out who this is. You’ll beat yourself senseless over the totla loss you’ve been hit with when you find out what you’ve been doing.
They look at perverted porn just as guys yet dont say they do and they cum a WHOLE lot more often than us. This is why they pretend to like excitement. Their just searching for an excuse to let it out and release all that bottled up cumming.
Advice: Sliiiiiirp the whole clit, not just the tiny part you see…….
if you can empty a chick like me, she’ll keep on cumming back for much more. its not fucking or lubrication that they want. they want their faucets turned on all the way up to max and left their…………………………………………………………………..
…………………………….
most guys arent normally born built with the ability to get that done for them. they go to porn and cum quietly wanting more than one guy cuz 1 just aint their for them as long as they need. many arent really doing it for them either and this is where they hate guys.
girls will tell you this is true. they tolerate guys permanent inability to satisfy.
ladies, most of them wont ever be able to be what you want. Their just not born that way. This is true for ladies who dont know a guy-friday when they see him. when you reject a guy whos friday for ya its a mutual total loss even if you didnt know it was.
“I revert to my previous comment..” – ex pres clinton
[Need I say more?]
rofl…I missed this post completely…classic.
[...] Barely Legal > Youporn > cumpilations > SI swimsuit issue > tubgirl [...]
None of that is as traumatic as the camera suddenly swivelling to the dude’s face just as you blow your load.
[editor: you guys are killing it today.]